boundaries bug me

It’s been on my mind for quite a while to start this blog and newsletter (thank you, perfectionism and limited time) — and to begin with a conversation about boundaries.

I’d genuinely love to hear your thoughts, questions, and critiques on this topic and the ones to come. My hope is for this space to feel like a conversation, as much as that’s possible in this format. This won’t be exhaustive — it’s not meant to be — but rather an invitation.

Where are you at in the discourse around boundaries?

“Boundaries” has become a buzzword — and honestly, it started to bug me. Like many pop psychology concepts, the term has spread widely across social media, usually with a particular angle: Protect your peace. Guard your energy. Live your best life. Keep out toxicity (another misused term).

I hear therapists talk about how their clients need to “set better boundaries.” I see friends and clients, often newly introduced to the concept, applying boundaries in ways that are haphazard, rigid, and sometimes alienating. Just writing this, I feel a mix of concern and frustration rising in me.

Let me be clear — I’m not against boundary setting. But I do think we need to understand the nuance and complexity of boundaries far more deeply. 

Without a multidimensional understanding — including the types of boundaries, the many aspects that make them up (which I’ll return to), and an awareness of the individualistic values embedded in many current frameworks — we risk harm, especially in relational contexts. Sometimes, these approaches backfire entirely.

Much of what’s circulating encourages people to set hard boundaries anytime they feel discomfort or unmet needs. But here’s a pattern I’ve seen:

Someone (let’s call them Person A) says, “They’re not respecting my boundaries.” When we explore it, it turns out Person A hasn’t been able to clearly name what they’re feeling or needing — let alone communicate that to Person B. So everyone is left in the dark, each approaching the situation from a self-focused, rather than relational, lens.

In my work, it’s often more helpful to start by sifting through:

• Feelings

• Needs

• Requests
  and then consider boundaries.

Those first three — feelings, needs, and requests — carry far more relational weight than we often realize.

What we’re feeling can offer vital clues about an unmet need, even if it takes some digging to uncover. Making a request around that need — or even just vulnerably sharing what we’re feeling or needing — can stir up deep fears of rejection, disappointment, or misunderstanding.

So instead, we often skip over that vulnerable step and jump straight to setting a boundary — which can look like telling someone else how to change, disengaging without explanation, or severing connection altogether.

Boundaries have increasingly been framed and used as a blunt tool to preserve me, mine, and I, rather than a skillful practice to navigate us — as interdependent humans in relationship.

As a therapist, it's not my role to instruct someone to "set a boundary," but to support them in exploring their internal world: identifying feelings, needs, relational patterns, attachment wounds, and communication fears. This deeper, more sustainable work fosters true agency — not through the conflation of boundaries with control (e.g., “You need to stop doing that or I won’t talk to you”), but through increasing awareness and safety in vulnerability.

A note: There are absolutely situations where someone needs to set a firm, even rigid, boundary — including severing connection with someone who has been harmful or unsafe. That is not the focus of this post. Rather, I'm speaking to the more everyday — and often more nuanced — relational moments where boundary setting is less about protection from harm and more about navigating discomfort, unmet needs, or vulnerability.

Being able to discern the difference between internal feelings of unsafety and truly unsafe situations is vital. Both require care — and often support — to navigate. But they are not the same, and conflating them can lead us to isolate when what we may actually need is connection, repair, or clearer self-understanding.

It seems that in writing this, I’ve uncovered several more threads to follow — misapplied or overused words like toxic, safety, and even the different types of boundaries. There’s so much nuance to explore.

What are you most curious about? What would you like to learn more about or discuss? I’d love to hear your thoughts, questions, or critiques as we continue this conversation.

I appreciate the many others out there who are thoughtfully addressing this ideological issue!